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Natalina wants a melt down of her very own

September 26th 2009 06:07
All of life is suffering right? Hmmm. Seems so.

It isn't easy being the person that picks up the pieces for everyone else. I've taken this role my entire life. Whether it's through work or in daily interpersonal relationships....Natalina is the shoulder. Natalina is the rock. Natalina keeps it together so you don't have to.

Mostly I don't mind. My personality is that of a nurturer I suppose. I want to help. I want to hug you and hold you and cry with you. I want to break my back doing everything possible to get you through whatever trials you're facing. I ask for nothing in return. I am here. I'm just here.

I'll be honest. It takes a toll. 2009 has been a crappy year to say the least, and while the shit storm swirls around me it seems I've become so preoccupied trying to help others deal with their trauma...I've been neglecting myself. And here's the worst part. I keep taking on more shit! I'll explain...



Through my other blog...(here comes the plug) ExtraordinaryIntelligence.com, I've made myself very available to my readers. I display an email address, and I've set up a Myspace to gather readers to discuss the fascinating topics that I regularly write about (Plug #2). While I've drawn in my fair share of insanely crazy people (who can forget werewolf boy) I've also made some great friends. But...

In this specific case, I got involved with what I thought was completely benign correspondence with a reader. We shared some laughs and all was well. Until it wasn't. Until he began to display some rather strange behavior. The poor guy started spilling his guts to me and I realized what a hard life he had. I tried to be there for him, and before I knew what was happening, I became the one he turned to whenever he was hanging on to sanity by a thread. His stories broke my heart and I made myself completely available to him as he tried to work through all of his crap.

Tonight as I write this...I am sick with worry because he just broke up with his girlfriend and his heart is so wrecked... he's been saying some really frightening things. I'm terrified of what he might do in this vulnerable state, and once again my stress level is through the damn roof!



This is the second time in two weeks that I've been up late trying to talk someone down from the ledge. The part that I hate the most is this nagging feeling of resentment that's been gnawing at the back of my brain. It is such an evil feeling, but it is there. Part of me just wants to scream into the sky, "HEY! Does anyone know the kind of bullshit I've been through lately??? Does anyone give a damn??"

I recently shared with a dear friend my overwhelming desire to have a nervous breakdown of my very own. I want to just melt down and scream and cry. I want to be completely unreasonable and consumed with self pity. Isn't that awful? There's a part of me that just wants to wallow in the selfish pursuit of a violent but cathartic temper tantrum. I suppose that's partly the purpose of this post.



That said... I can't let myself go down that road. I can't let that darkness consume me. I am emotionally mature enough to know that it would solve nothing, and would only make others feel the kind of desperation that I've been feeling for the last few months. So no. I won't come unhinged, and I'll continue to try to be there for my friends and family. And maybe I'll try to make a smidge of room for myself.

Now for the disclaimer. I hesitate to post this in fear that someone reading it will worry that I'm talking about them. I am in no way saying that I don't want friends in need to turn to me. I am always here for my friends. ALWAYS. Those of you most dear to me know that I would sooner amputate my left kneecap than leave you when you're feeling sad.

I'm just going to surround myself with white light and realign my chi...smudge some sage and assume the lotus position for a while. (No comments from the peanut gallery about my new agey weirdness. I won't have it!!! LOL)

Momma just needed to vent a little bit. She's fine.

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19 Comments. [ Add A Comment ]

Comment by Cheryl J

September 26th 2009 09:16
Vent all you want honey. You deserve it more than anyone I know as I am one of the people you have been a rock for and I love you dearly for it. You just have to remember like I told you before, you have just as much right as anyone else to jump up and down and scream and wail, "why me?"

Just remember there are those of us who are here for you as you are for us and you can vent all you want and we will never think you're awful. You're just too damned awesome!

Comment by Natalina

September 26th 2009 10:55
Cheryl sweetheart...I would never consider our friendship as anything less than mutually supportive and you are among the few who have truly taken the time to listen and be there for me. I love you for it and I am grateful. 2010 can't come soon enough!

I am just so damn upset with this fucker (whoopsie daisies! That wasn't very lady like!) that I've been worrying about. First he's such a wreck that I can barely understand what he's saying because he's sobbing so hard...and now I find out that he's back together with this horrible woman that stomped all over his heart. This is within a matter of hours. I feel like all of my breath was wasted. I guess sometimes people are going to make stupid boneheaded decisions and there's not that I can do about it.

The question is...why did I allow myself to become so emotionally invested in a relative stranger? What's wrong with me?? Honestly, there's got to be a name for this form of psychosis.

Comment by Cheryl J

September 26th 2009 11:58
I know, I do the same thing. It's hard to turn away a person in need. You missed your calling girlie, you should have been a therapist. At least you could charge the bastards an arm and a leg for your advice

Step back from those you are not friends with personally and advise them to go talk to a friend. Walk away. There's no shame in looking after number one.

Comment by IandMe

September 26th 2009 15:01
OK, Lady, here's some advice from one who does travel the road you're talking about, all the time. First, it is acceptable to lose it sometimes when the world becomes overwhelming, scream, have that temper tantrum, do whatever it takes to let off steam. Have a girl's night out, get stopped by the cops at 3:00 a.m. for parking and eating ice cream.

Secondly, it is imperative, that you recommend to those hanging on by a string that you constantly recommend that they get themselves to a professional therapist. You can only do so much, and as my therapist told me, you can actually do harm because you haven't had the training you need not to, it wouldn't be on purpose but it could happen. In the case of the guy who is on the edge, the first time (OK, I suspect I'm talking in the fourth or fifth case, if you know where he lives, the exact address, call the cops in that city tell they you have a suicidal person on a chat room, and you believe he is a danger to himself. They will go pick him up, take him to a place of safety and then get him some help. He sounds seriously disturbed and in need of professional help and medication.

Now that's advice from someone, as you know whose been in therapy, hospitals, and taking medication for a long time. Trust me I know of what I speak.

Take care, take time for yourself, and remember you need time for yourself. If you need to vent and don't want to burden your friends, feel free to write me, I'm more than willing to listen, offer what little amateurish advice I can and listen.

Janice

Comment by katyzzz

September 26th 2009 21:49
Natalina, beware the web, I think Janice has it right, beware and take care, you must be no. 1. or you'll not be there for anyone else, and especially for those in the real world who are close.

This is certainly a riveting post, take care of yourself my friend just as you suggest in your so called weird state.

History repeats itself, keep that well in mind.

I think the need to ventilate turned into hyper ventilation. Sadly.

Comment by Mr Nice Guy

September 26th 2009 22:13
Nat

I can only add weight to the Janice and Katyzzz's advice.

The web is a void - and in space - no one can hear you scream.

Be careful out there.


Comment by Natalina

September 27th 2009 01:56
I agree with what you all are saying and yet....I can't seem to forget that there is a real person on the other end of those messages of desperation. It rips my heart open.

Comment by IandMe

September 27th 2009 02:31
Natalina,

Of course it does, but remember two little facts. If someone wants to die by their own hand, no one can or will stop them. But a call to 911 can maybe stop him or her for the time being. There are people who use other people in order to feel better, it's a cruel fact but a fact none the less.

And finally, do you know this person personally, what do you know about him, how well do you really know this person? There are a lot of people on the internet who use people, get to know them, get their sympathy and use them to help in some what, financially, or physically. I realize that you probably know all this, but it is my hope that you have not given this person personal information, like your phone number, your address, etc.

You are probably right, this person is calling for help, but all I'm saying is be very careful. You are a trusting, loving and compassionate person and it would be very easy for someone to take advantage of you. Be careful, is all I can say.

If you want I can someday give you some horror stories of people who've met on the Internet and it has become a disaster, and some good ones too. Just watch yourself. Please,

Janice

Comment by Wilson Pon

September 27th 2009 10:32
Natalina, don't give yourself too much of pressure here. I knew it's good to help other people, but you should hold back, especially when you're lacking of energy...

Trust me, there are many people out there who are having many unsolved problems. Just do as best as you could, but not stepping too far with it.

Comment by James Rickard

September 27th 2009 17:16
Buck up, at least you have a dot com. I had to go with a dot NET. Despite how little anglers click on ads, I found out there's a LOT of fishing sites out there!!!

Comment by Morgan Bell

September 27th 2009 18:20
This is the second time in two weeks that I've been up late trying to talk someone down from the ledge.

anyone who has ever been on a ledge (literally or metaphorically) will have their own support system in real life, even if it is flawed, none of us exist in a bubble

life went on before you and it will go on after you, a very good friend told me that once and its some of the best advice ive ever had

there are so many things you have no control over in this life, and the emotions of others tops the list, sometimes the best thing you can do for people is just walk away and stop allowing them to use you as a crutch, it gives them time to sort things out on their own

Comment by Kristin Wolgemuth

September 28th 2009 15:38
Someone once told me, when I was going through a hard time, that most people will stay up to their necks in pig poop because, hey, it's warm. That made me look at life a bit differently and get away from my ex-boyfriend (who was an abusive, uneducated ass). I understand what you mean when you need to be there for people. I went through a lot of anxious times when deciding when to put myself or the other person first. After all, if I can help, shouldn't I? But that 's not the way things are. I admire you for doing all you do for people, and I hope you can find a balance and take care of yourself, too. It's difficult, but it can be done! Or at least I'm assuming it can be!

Comment by IandMe

September 28th 2009 20:37
Oh, Natalina, something I forgot to say, hey, go ahead, have that meltdown, revel in it, wallow in self pity for a while, all the things you don't allow yourself, do it, enjoy it. You'll get over it because that's you.

Janice

Comment by Natalina

September 30th 2009 03:02
You are all so right. You've made wonderful points that I will do my darndest to live by. Plus, I've decided that it is time for me to just live my life as I had always intended. Positivity, love, compassion.... I will no longer do "poor me" posts like this. I can't put that out into the Universe anymore. For now...it's all about happiness and goodness.

In fact, I'm feeling so happy right now I think I'm going to do a post that's just all about pretty pictures. Yeah! I think I'm going to do that!

Comment by IandMe

September 30th 2009 03:42
I don't think any of us ever said not to post a "poor me" post for yourself. I think limiting yourself to only "happy" posts is a poor way to write. Post what you feel, and don't worry about the universe it can handle whatever is thrown at it. As can most of us.

Be honest to yourself, a quote that you must identify.

Janice

Comment by Natalina

September 30th 2009 09:01
Yes you're right Janice, it was a lofty prospect to assume that I'll never write another post such as this...but I'm hoping that my current state of mind being as it is will inspire a lot more positivity to flow out of me than negativity.

I am so happy to have a friend like you my dearest!

Comment by Cheryl J

September 30th 2009 11:55
Never feel like you can't post what you are felling. Sometimes this wonderful world of blogging is so cathartic.It allows us express to express emotion and that's the soul of writing.

Comment by Natalina

September 30th 2009 12:10
Cheryl, as always you are right love. And I can plainly guarantee that I will have my grumpy posting days in the future! Trust that! It comes with the territory of being an emotionally volatile person. I think I have been on an upswing for a few days, so the goodness is oozing out. We'll see what I write when the sheeet heeeets theee fan again! Love you sweetie!

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